I’m here to shit on Christmas movies because a) I don’t like the idea of Christmas b) I don’t remember the last time I had enough “Christmas Spirit” to keep me joyful about the holidays for a whole month: I’ve spent the last 3 Christmases alone so, in a way, I don’t really care what Christmas magic has to offer. c) I have too way much time, and I spend some of that time thinking about some very serious issues that affect modern society: Why are Christmas movies a thing? Will Meghan Markle play herself in The Crown? Will the colonization and continued oppression of indigenous peoples ever end??
This hasn’t been the best year (it is actually the worst year I have ever had) so I needed to focus my energy on something. Something that wouldn’t let me down. I was hoping that Christmas movies would make me angry and want to scream, and they did exactly that. I watched a bunch, my calculations tell me about 15-20, which was way more than my poor brain could handle. Here are my thoughts. Read till the end for an incomprehensive list of movies you should watch on Netflix this holiday season.
I noticed very early on that most Christmas movies are about women seeking or finding love around Christmas time. This triggered me. Most of these women have successful corporate jobs or live in big cities, but we’re made to believe that their lives are incomplete and unhappy until they find love-no matter what remote town they end up in because of love. The parents of these women would push their daughters to achieve the best, e.g. a medical fellowship in Boston (Christmas Under Wraps), or the women would want the best for themselves in the art world, for example, (Christmas Wonderland), but a man would come along and make them want to settle in the middle of nowhere Alaska where the richest man is actually Santa Claus and his factory workers are the slaves or elves, whatever you decide to call them (by the way this is an actual movie plot). I applaud one movie for putting more focus on the guy’s story (Christmas Made to Order). Do you see what’s going on here? The capitalist machine is preparing us for Valentine’s Day where they’ll sell us cheaply made cards, flowers, and other useless things that for some reason are supposed to mean “love” just because they’re red. Love is beautiful, but it doesn’t help to keep portraying falling in love as the only meaningful thing to happen during the holidays. What about the women who find happiness and comfort in being alone? I would love to see this in this movies and not women made to give up their well-paying big city jobs so that they can move to the rural town they grew up because they want to be with their high school ex.
I have also come to the conclusion that there is a Netflix Christmas Movie Cinematic Universe: the NCMCU (this is not innovative, I know). The first clue was Sharl the Baker. He appears as Sharl the Baker in both Christmas Wedding Planner and Christmas With a View. Then, if you consider Vanessa Hudgens’ The Princess Switch movies, especially the second, it is very likely that there is a fourth lookalike, i.e. Brooke Winters from The Knight Before Christmas. This makes more sense if you consider that both stories are about European monarchs falling for slightly above average American girls.
And what’s a cinematic universe without some white saviors? Let’s talk about Operation Christmas Drop. The streets (Twitter) are saying that Guam has been misrepresented in the movie. The protagonist is a black woman who works for a US Congresswoman. In one scene she is so moved by the poverty of the kids she meets in one of the islands, and then she just hands out whatever is in her purse to the kids: pens, HER USED HAIRBRUSH, and the handbag itself with whatever else that was in it. Seriously? What the children of Guam really need is the end of US military occupation so they can grow up in an independent country where they have full control over what happens within their borders. Using a black woman doesn’t take away the white savior trope. A black American woman who works in the US government is still an element of the American imperialistic framework, which works because of the white savior complex and other things. Basically, anyone from a Western country trying to “save” indigenous communities is a white savior, because being from the West is still very much associated with whiteness. Operation Christmas Drop is a glorification of Western occupation of indigenous land, and modern colonialism, which is bad! Was this movie supposed to be a cute story about the US military (of all things) because it’s about Christmas?? I hope it flops.
Enough of my ranting. Here’s what you should consider watching in the next two weeks. These are some of the movies that managed to get some Christmas spirit out of me-just enough to keep a smile on my face for a few minutes. Enjoy!
- Klaus (a must watch!)
- Die Hard (it is a Christmas movie, don’t try to argue)
- Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey
- Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square
- How The Grinch Stole Christmas
- Elf
- Christmas Chronicles
And if you still want to watch trashy movies then these are some of the movies worth your time. They have bizarre, but somewhat fun plotlines.
- The Princess Switch
- Christmas Wedding Planner
- Love Actually
Merry Christmas, or whatever.
the writing nib 
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